Today I'm on my 38th week of this pregnancy and so far I've managed to keep my sanity intact. Well, what's left of it.
I'm having a hard time sleeping these days and it's not mostly because I'm getting uncomfortable with my big belly or other pregnancy aches. It's partly because I'm anxious every night about TLB's movement or non-movement. I'm so afraid of waking up and finding out that he's no longer moving, that he's dead.
Others may think I'm going overboard with worry but having my firstborn son die during the homestretch gives this fear so much weight. I'm trying to remind myself that this is a different pregnancy, that TLB is not Kai. But I lack the confidence to believe it all the way, especially when TLB has gone from head down to mimicking his big brother's position - transverse, head on my left side, butt on my right - to a tee.
Yes, folks, he has decided that he's not comfortable head down and stealthily changed his position this week. This was confirmed during my 2nd BPP on Monday. The OB couldn't believe it but she suspect that I've got a misshapen (read: heart-shaped) uterus, given that this transverse scenario has happened to me twice. I'm not too surprised by the news, but it is kind of unnerving to experience it again like a bad dejavu.
But like I've mentioned in my previous blog posts, we've decided to do things differently and opted out of doing a version. My thinking is, if we force TLB to turn it might lead to his demise. So I'd rather we leave him alone and if he chooses to turn on his own that's well and good. If he doesn't, there's nothing we could do but resolve it via a scheduled c-section.
I know it's not the best plan out there and that having a vaginal delivery is safer. But I'm past thinking of a gentle way to birth my second son. While I want the very best for him or to give him the best start in life, my ultimate goal is to deliver him alive and well first. Really, the best things are going to be useless if he's not here.
So if things like labor doesn't start on its own in these days of waiting, we and our OB have decided to schedule the c-section on April 27th, exactly 39 weeks plus one day. That's a week from now, so my tickers on this blog would be off. Labor may happen earlier or it may not, but I feel better having a specific date to focus on.
Given my past experience, my body isn't exactly the laboring early and the laboring-on-its-own type. If I let it, it will probably go beyond 40 weeks to get things started. And I really don't want to go past the time frame when Kai's well-being must have deteriorated from unknown reason. Sometimes, I wish we had a known reason why he died perhaps it would give me a little bit peace of mind as I go through this stage again. But that's never a guarantee either, nothing is.
Anyway, I've gotten a reassurance from our BPP. Setting aside TLB's position, he's actually doing good. Amnio fluid level is good, placenta is still working hard and oxygen and blood flow are optimal. TLB's weight is estimated to be at 7 lbs and 11 oz. Yup, he's getting big alright. The OB said the estimate may be a little bit higher, usually ultrasound is off by 1 lb. or 1/2 a pound. So she said he's probably about 7 lbs or 6 lbs. Well, we've got one week to go, I bet he'll pack in some more as I'm still eating like I'm in a buffet. Heh.
We did an NST after the ultrasound. But the result leaves much to be desired from my non-medical point-of-view. TLB didn't move much, I counted about 10 in the span of 15 or 20 minutes of the test. Then he started snoozing the rest of the time. He refused to be coax by a peanut butter protein bar or a tart orange juice. I also noticed his fetal heart tones were in the 135s in some reading, which is not his usual baseline of 145 bpms from the previous tests.
When the OB came in to check the strip, I asked her if TLB's fetal heartbeat decel is something I should be worried about. She said I have to look at the strip in a bigger picture. TLB has accelerations during my contractions which is a sign that he's reacting well. "What you saw were variable decels and you could see here that he's got good recovery from them," she added as she showed me where those readings are in our latest test strip.
I did heave a sigh of relief there. Good thing my OB is straightforward with the facts and doesn't dismiss me by saying, "Oh don't worry, everything's looking great!" I don't usually ask for specific numbers, I figured it would be less stressful to not know these things unless there's really an immediate reason to know them so we can make informed decisions about this pregnancy. Plus, I have a tendency to ask Mr. Goo.gle if that's normal or not, should I be worried or not. Argh. This is why every health provider I meet would advice, stay away from the Interwebz.
Anyway, our next and possibly last prenatal visit with our OB would be next Wednesday, a day before our scheduled C-section. We would most likely check again how this little bug is positioned and have another BPP and NST. Our OB said she'll also check him again before the start of the procedure when we're at the hospital. Glad to know everything is being covered.
Anxiety aside, Dave and I are getting excited to meet TLB. We truly hope that we get to bring him home with us. *sigh* Looks like it would be a long one week wait for us.
I'm having a hard time sleeping these days and it's not mostly because I'm getting uncomfortable with my big belly or other pregnancy aches. It's partly because I'm anxious every night about TLB's movement or non-movement. I'm so afraid of waking up and finding out that he's no longer moving, that he's dead.
Others may think I'm going overboard with worry but having my firstborn son die during the homestretch gives this fear so much weight. I'm trying to remind myself that this is a different pregnancy, that TLB is not Kai. But I lack the confidence to believe it all the way, especially when TLB has gone from head down to mimicking his big brother's position - transverse, head on my left side, butt on my right - to a tee.
Yes, folks, he has decided that he's not comfortable head down and stealthily changed his position this week. This was confirmed during my 2nd BPP on Monday. The OB couldn't believe it but she suspect that I've got a misshapen (read: heart-shaped) uterus, given that this transverse scenario has happened to me twice. I'm not too surprised by the news, but it is kind of unnerving to experience it again like a bad dejavu.
But like I've mentioned in my previous blog posts, we've decided to do things differently and opted out of doing a version. My thinking is, if we force TLB to turn it might lead to his demise. So I'd rather we leave him alone and if he chooses to turn on his own that's well and good. If he doesn't, there's nothing we could do but resolve it via a scheduled c-section.
I know it's not the best plan out there and that having a vaginal delivery is safer. But I'm past thinking of a gentle way to birth my second son. While I want the very best for him or to give him the best start in life, my ultimate goal is to deliver him alive and well first. Really, the best things are going to be useless if he's not here.
So if things like labor doesn't start on its own in these days of waiting, we and our OB have decided to schedule the c-section on April 27th, exactly 39 weeks plus one day. That's a week from now, so my tickers on this blog would be off. Labor may happen earlier or it may not, but I feel better having a specific date to focus on.
Given my past experience, my body isn't exactly the laboring early and the laboring-on-its-own type. If I let it, it will probably go beyond 40 weeks to get things started. And I really don't want to go past the time frame when Kai's well-being must have deteriorated from unknown reason. Sometimes, I wish we had a known reason why he died perhaps it would give me a little bit peace of mind as I go through this stage again. But that's never a guarantee either, nothing is.
Anyway, I've gotten a reassurance from our BPP. Setting aside TLB's position, he's actually doing good. Amnio fluid level is good, placenta is still working hard and oxygen and blood flow are optimal. TLB's weight is estimated to be at 7 lbs and 11 oz. Yup, he's getting big alright. The OB said the estimate may be a little bit higher, usually ultrasound is off by 1 lb. or 1/2 a pound. So she said he's probably about 7 lbs or 6 lbs. Well, we've got one week to go, I bet he'll pack in some more as I'm still eating like I'm in a buffet. Heh.
We did an NST after the ultrasound. But the result leaves much to be desired from my non-medical point-of-view. TLB didn't move much, I counted about 10 in the span of 15 or 20 minutes of the test. Then he started snoozing the rest of the time. He refused to be coax by a peanut butter protein bar or a tart orange juice. I also noticed his fetal heart tones were in the 135s in some reading, which is not his usual baseline of 145 bpms from the previous tests.
When the OB came in to check the strip, I asked her if TLB's fetal heartbeat decel is something I should be worried about. She said I have to look at the strip in a bigger picture. TLB has accelerations during my contractions which is a sign that he's reacting well. "What you saw were variable decels and you could see here that he's got good recovery from them," she added as she showed me where those readings are in our latest test strip.
I did heave a sigh of relief there. Good thing my OB is straightforward with the facts and doesn't dismiss me by saying, "Oh don't worry, everything's looking great!" I don't usually ask for specific numbers, I figured it would be less stressful to not know these things unless there's really an immediate reason to know them so we can make informed decisions about this pregnancy. Plus, I have a tendency to ask Mr. Goo.gle if that's normal or not, should I be worried or not. Argh. This is why every health provider I meet would advice, stay away from the Interwebz.
Anyway, our next and possibly last prenatal visit with our OB would be next Wednesday, a day before our scheduled C-section. We would most likely check again how this little bug is positioned and have another BPP and NST. Our OB said she'll also check him again before the start of the procedure when we're at the hospital. Glad to know everything is being covered.
Anxiety aside, Dave and I are getting excited to meet TLB. We truly hope that we get to bring him home with us. *sigh* Looks like it would be a long one week wait for us.
2 comments:
Jennifer, I am so excited for you guys. I understand why you are so nervous, especially since Mr. TLB decided to switch positions. I will be sending you extra strong prayers over the next week. One week! Amazing. I am so full of hope. Kai's little brother is almost here. There will be so much celebration. xoxo
Thinking of you and hoping for you and TLB all the time.
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