Anxiety Level Up

Dave and I experienced the first 'alarm' in this pregnancy yesterday. The kind where I made a panicked, heart-racing call to him and to our OB about it. I was trembling, nervous and an all-around wreck. I had to take deep breaths to calm myself down and stop myself from bawling my eyes out so I could provide details to the receptionist. 

You see, I think I pushed myself too hard last Friday and over the weekend. So come Monday, I was feeling a little bit under the weather and when I went on one of my bathroom trips, I noticed I had been spotting. And that was in the middle of the day. I didn't notice anything the whole morning especially since I was busy thinking of other things for the work week.

The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the blood was, "Uh-oh, this is not good!" It was the first time I experienced something like it. I didn't encounter any bleeding with Kai's pregnancy. So seeing the tell-tale sign that's close to bleeding just about brought the worse-case scenario for me - that TLB is dead, that I have lost another son. 

I had to act quickly and called my husband at work to tell him what was happening. I told him I would call the OB next and he said to wait for him so we could go to her office together. I didn't want to wait but I also didn't want to go there alone. If it was bad news, I wanted Dave to be there with me.

I wasn't able to talk to the OB (she was with another client) but the receptionist told me to come right away so I can be seen personally. As I was waiting for Dave to arrive, I was losing my composure. Trying to swallow that lump in one's throat and to repress that fearful wail that just wanted to come out was so difficult to do. I wanted to become a hopeless, crumpled mess on the floor.

But instead, I breathed deep and finally found that calm, rational person within myself - the one scarred with grief and despair yet found the strength to wade through them because of her love for the unborn son who died and for the love of this new little one. I saw her in my reflection and it was as if she was saying, "You have got to get through this for TLB. Be brave."

I got dressed and decided to get the Doppler to check on TLB's heartbeat. This time, it wasn't for entertainment, it was more for making sure that he still had a heartbeat. Oh but I have a little trickster in my womb. As soon as I found his heartbeat, TLB began kicking at the Doppler so I can't get a clear reading of his bpm. 

I had to say it out loud to him: "Oh not now, anak. Mommy needs to hear your complete heartbeat right now, please." You would think I would be reassured by his heartbeat and movement, but I was more anxious than ever. Kai had a heartbeat and was moving before he died. So these aren't the things that would keep me calm. (I know, this is one of the difficulties I encounter with my subsequent pregnancy, the unavoidable comparison to my first pregnancy.)

When Dave arrived, I could sense he was anxious, too. I told him right away to drive carefully and calmly. We don't know anything yet. In the car, we were silent for a while and it brought me back to our drive to the hospital that fateful morning to check on Kai's condition. Back then, I think both of us didn't want to discuss or even mention that everything wasn't going to be alright.

But this time around we decided to talk about the mundane or else we'll both go crazy. Dave brought some german chocolate cake to his workplace to share with co-workers, so I asked how his co-workers liked the cake. He said it was swarmed by the cake zombies. After they were done, the cake looked like exploded brain bits. We both laughed. It eased our worry amid the unknown we were about to face at the OB clinic.

When we finally got there, we were ushered in right away. I had to give them a sterile urine sample and they got my usual vitals. It didn't take long for our OB to come in and I told her what had happened. She proceeded to ask for my detailed activities last week and on the weekend. So I told her I was a bit busy during the latter part of the week - doing errands, going to the grocery, cooking and baking. 

I said I was up on my feet a lot and did a lot of walking as well. I told her on the weekend that I accompanied a friend shopping and we did a lot of walking, too. Then I went to my first prenatal yoga on Sunday, which left me unusually tired. I also told her I've been having Braxton Hicks. When she examined me for the spotting, she said it was my marginal placenta previa that got agitated.

She performed an ultrasound and checked my placenta. Unfortunately, it was still near my cervix and so being on my feet for a long time, walking a lot and having practice contractions can get it agitated. So she prescribed a 3-day bedrest - no lifting anything heavy, no walking a lot, no standing for too long, no exercise, no hanky-panky with the hubby. "We'll talk about prenatal yoga after we do another placenta check on you at 30-32 weeks. For now, I want you to take it easy."

She said there was no sign of further bleeding but wanted me to monitor closely if my spotting progresses to full-on bleeding within the three days. I was a bit relieved. I'm not too happy with the news that Ms. Placenta is still marginal and low-lying and that a tiny part of it is a bit pulled away from my uterine wall. But I'll accept what I can get.

I was glad to see TLB on the ultrasound screen again, he was so active and showing mommy and daddy his new rolling around moves. At one time, the OB caught an outstretched arm, his hand with fingers curled and his thumb up. The OB said: "Looks like he's saying, "It's all a-okay in here, mom!" We laughed, feeling the anxiety leave us. TLB's heartbeat was in tip-top shape and my amnio fluid was at a good level. I felt truly thankful about all that information. For now, I can breathe safely.

So I'm on my second day of bedrest. I welcome it and endure it if it would stop Ms. Placenta from being agitated and stop the spotting from progressing further. So far, so good. No sign of blood and I like it that way. I wish I could predict that this is not going to happen again. I'm still holding out hope that Ms. Placenta would move up and away from my cervix. But if it doesn't, I'll be faced with some more bleeding, more bedrest as I get further along and perhaps, a c-section at the end of it. 

But I don't mind all that, I just want TLB to arrive safe and alive in our arms. And to achieve that, I'm willing to endure anything, anything at all.

By the way, yesterday was Kai's 19-month angelversary. I'd like to believe that he watched over TLB and reminded me not to lose my head.