I don't want to be too happy during Christmas season. Every time I do, it brings me back to Christmas 2009 when I was pregnant with Kai. We were expectant parents, looking forward to the next year when we would be a family of three, thinking that the next Christmas would be so different. But it didn't happen.
That's the baby-loss mother in me talking and thinking. I know I should stop comparing my first pregnancy experience with this new one. I really should. But is that even possible? *sigh* Sometimes, I find myself consciously trying to do unique things with this pregnancy. But that's already a given, Kai is Kai, TLB is TLB. That alone makes a world of a difference.
Argh! So now you see how my 'crazy' brain works during this season. But all this worrying is ruining our Christmas experience with our TLB. So I decided to shelve it in one of my many mind compartments and celebrate a peaceful and meaningful Christmas of hope. Cautiously. (Sorry I had to insert that there to keep the being 'too happy' in check...just a wee, little bit.)
We actually had fun this year even if it was just the two of us. We shopped for gifts. We sent out Christmas cards and gifts. We went out to watch movies three days in row! (Sherlock Holmes, The Adventure of Tintin and War Horse). I baked cupcakes and loom-knitted hats and scarves. Who knew? And every time we get into the season, we do it in honor of Kai and in celebration of TLB who is continuing to grow and thrive.
For the first time, this season has brought me some real comfort and peace. This is not to say that I've been spared from the deep longing and missing for Kai. I cried a few times, some were triggered by TV ad tropes that are usually shown during Christmas time, while others were brought on by a mixture of joy, desperate hope and sadness. I actually feel this way:
True words. I'm sad that this has been our second Christmas without Kai. And yet, I'm also happy that we are having TLB. I guess I may never figure these intertwined feelings out ever. And not that I'm in a hurry to, I think it just is. When it comes to my children, I agree with what one BLM stated in her blog, it is never one or the other. It's both. Always.
Here are photos of my two separate Christmases with my two different children in my womb:
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| Christmas morning 2009. I think I was about less than four months with Kai in this photo. (Sorry, I wasn't able to keep track of my early months of pregnancy with him. So I don't know the exact weeks. I kept tabs of my months, though.) I was excited getting presents and I think most of the presents were baby-related. It's weird that I don't recognize myself in this photo anymore. It's my pre-loss, first time, blissful, naive, mother-to-be self. |
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| Christmas 2011 morning. Two years later, we decided to go back to our tradition of opening presents. I'm five months and 10 days with TLB. I was thankful there was no baby-related presents (my MIL sent a Steve Jobs biography book, thank god!). I guess, not telling people we are pregnant was a good thing. It's not that I don't want presents for TLB but I've become quite superstitious about these things lately. They would just make me feel I'm jinxing this pregnancy. But I love Kai-related presents (thanks to some BLM friends)! This Kai bear from Molly Bear is one of my favorites. It made me feel close to my angel son. It made missing him and longing for him bearable this season, so I was able to 'celebrate' a nice Christmas with the hubby and TLB. This is the new normal me - a grief-scarred, baby loss, sad, a wee bit joyful and somewhat hopeful and crazed second time mother-to-be. |
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