Positives

Well, I was a bit surprised to have a BFP for our August cycle. Really, at this point I had no expectations whatsoever since I was convinced that Aunt Flow is the most reliable, TTC party-pooper there is. She always comes whether I want her to or not.

But here they are - three positives, two on a dollar store HPT kit and one on a digital HPT done today. As you can see, I tested on two consecutive days August 31 and September 1. I don't know if I doubted the reliability of the dollar store HPT kits or the production of my progesterone.  I held off feeling anything actually when I did the first test. I was like: "Okay, is that a faint pink line on the test strip? Really? What does Mr. Google say?"

My online foraging yielded an answer that a faint line is still a line. But instead of being hopeful, I stuck to trying not to feel a thing. If the test proves to be a false positive, oh that would hit me so hard. So I kept my mouth shut and didn't tell the hubby a thing. I waited the next day to test again. Another faint line appeared. And I was like: "Okay, another faint line. Not really reassuring. Is my progesterone doubling enough to sustain it?"

But I didn't keep quiet about it to Dave. I told him when he came home and showed him the two tests. Of course, I preempted his reaction by telling him that these may be false positives and that we shouldn't get our hopes up just yet. I told him I plan to test again with an expensive digital HPT. And he was okay with it but he actually looked somewhat relieved.

You see, I was getting anxious about not getting pregnant and I felt like time was ticking away so fast on us that I was convinced that we've already missed our chance. So I was getting very discouraged and he saw that in me everyday. This is why seeing those two tests, he said he felt a little bit of that burden lifted off on me, on us.

I did the digital test. I wanted to make sure I wasn't just seeing illusions. I used it today and the word Pregnant came on after a few minutes. Wow! There it was the P word. It hit home and I cried. Relief and fear intermingled. I was relieved to know that we are able to get pregnant again. But I was fearful of what the outcome of this pregnancy would be. It felt like I won a small battle but the war is only beginning. I kept thinking, "How am I going to get through this?"

I know it's unfair of me to be thinking and feeling this way. This baby deserves a mother who's not fearful and who's joyous at finding out he or she is conceived. But having my first child die before he was born takes that sense of excitement and wonder. It has been replaced by what-if and worst case scenarios. Of guilt and grief relived.

I'm still trying to digest this development. I'm hoping that once it sinks in deeper in my psyche for a couple of days, I would be happy and joyful of the news. For the meantime, it's time to call the OB, who we consulted for infertility treatments last week, tell him that we're not going to do the tests he recommended and that if he could do a blood test for me instead as I'm pregnant.

Yes, I'm pregnant. And that's just about it for now.