The Big 3-0

Well, my pregnancy with TLB is officially in the 30s. Thirty weeks going on 31 this week, that is. Every time I see the tickers on this blog I can't help let out a big gulp. Single digit weeks and a couple of days to go. Yipes!

I'm trying not to be anxious and stressed out about it. But man, that's easier said than done especially when almost everyone I meet would comment on how big I'm getting and when I'm due. Um, I know I'm getting bigger but do you really have to rub it in my face? And what's with the obsession with due dates? It's not like they're going to come witness my child being born or something.

Both my acupuncturist and chiropractor have asked me if I'm already thinking about labor and delivery and I dead-panned, "Nope. I'm not there yet so I decided not to think about any of it for now." And they both agreed. "No need to worry about it or it'll just ruin your enjoyment of this pregnancy. You still got a few more weeks to go," they said. My thoughts exactly.

Just let me obsess with doing my kick counts, occasional Doppler listening, eating healthy and doing non-pregnancy stuffs. These are about what I can do as I wait out the weeks ahead. I'm also grateful that my pubic bone pain is no longer bothering me that much. Pain-wise, it's not as intolerable as before and I can get enough sleep. I can start a bit of walking as exercise once the OB gives me the go-ahead.

Anyway, I had my ultrasound this morning to check on my placenta's location, TLB's growth and amniotic fluid levels. The good news is that Ms. Placenta went up and away from my cervix! Big sigh of relief there. I've been contemplating the result of the ultrasound for about a month!

If we find out the placenta hasn't budge from where it was before, I had a bunch of questions ready to ask my OB today such as: Is she going to do a c-section if the placenta remained where it was? at what week? will TLB be safe if the c-section is done earlier than term? what will we expect from his NICU stay, etc.

I've thought about these things a lot but surprisingly, I'm not anxious. It was more like I'm approaching the whole thing methodically. All right, if the placenta didn't budge, what's the next step? Most likely another ultrasound in a few weeks. If at that ultrasound, it's still at the same place, we'll most likely discuss a planned c-section. Okay, what information do I need to know? How should I prepare for a longer hospital stay and a possible NICU stay for TLB? Who's going to help us out when we get home?

Yup, all these things have been running through my 'organizer' mind. It can be a fearful prospect but I know I have a much bigger fear that really overshadows this whole scenario and that is, losing another baby. It's the Damocles sword that hangs over my head. ALL. THE. TIME. So the prospect of undergoing a planned, early c-section is nothing compared to that big unknown. My mindset now is whatever needs to get done to have TLB here safe and sound, however and whatever it takes, I'll do it.

But this is not to say I'm not relieved that Ms. Placenta cooperated and is in a much better location. My OB is also quite pleased. She gave me the go-ahead to get a little exercise but nothing too strenuous. She approved of short walks and prenatal aquafit. "You're on the last leg of your pregnancy so I don't expect you to go hard core on these activities," is what she said.

Hard core? Me? I'm actually too lazy these days to go out and just do it. My only motivation for exercising is the fear that I won't have enough endurance and strength to go through labor and delivery. And the recovery. Oh if only kegel-ing can give me those, I'd be as hard core about it as I could. Hah.

As for TLB's growth, he's becoming a chunky little bug. He's weighing about 4 lbs! Hmmmm...it must be all that hot chocolate and whole milk I've been drinking. I asked our OB if that's normal for his gestational age, she said it's nothing to worry about since ultrasounds can be off in measurements. And I said, "Yeah, he could be much bigger than that. Gulp!"

She laughed and asked both Dave and I if we knew our weight when we were born. We both said no. "See, if your weights are 9 or 10 lbs at births, your moms will definitely tell you about them. But both of you are not huge people, so I doubt you'll have a giant baby," she said.

It made sense, especially with our moms, we'll definitely be told of our birth stories if they had a hard time birthing us because of how big we were. I was an emergency c-section baby so I've heard my birth story from my mom quite often while growing up. Yes, I'm the oddity among my five older siblings whom she successfully delivered vaginally without much complications or hullabaloo. But I digress. :)

One highlight of the ultrasound is seeing TLB on the screen again. We got to see his chubby cheeks and his practice breathing. At one point, he gave us a big yawn as if to tell us either he's getting sleepy or bored of his time at the limelight. We finally saw how he's positioned - head up, butt sticking out on my side and feet down. These explain the hard lumps that are distorting my belly shape.

You see, when I lay down on my back weird protrusions come out in different parts of my tummy. It's as if TLB is leaning way out on my uterine wall, using it like a hammock. There was one time Dave touched a lump shaped like a closed fist or a hard elbow or knee. One time, the lumps are so round and solid we'd guess that those are either his head or his little tush. I'd post a picture but I'm not brave enough to expose my belly full of stretch marks. (;_;)

Speaking of stretching, last weekend I felt a major tugging and pulling just below my belly button. It felt like my stomach muscles are being pulled apart. Every time I got up or made the wrong move, I was sure something tears in there like a ligament or two. It freaking hurts and I thought I was going to burst open. (I can't help picture the movie "Alien", although in that one the alien burst out of someone's chest.) Good thing, it went away now. But I might be in for more stretching in the coming weeks as this chunky bug grows bigger.

To be honest, it's becoming tough to keep fear at bay in this remaining trimester. I want to totally 'celebrate' the good results of the ultrasound, but there's this tiny hesitant voice that warns me not to get my hopes up too much. Damn that Damocles' sword!

Sometimes, I just want to stay awake all night, every night to keep track of TLB's movements and to make sure he's still alive. If I could only do that until he's born. But really, I'm kidding myself. Apart from being nearly impossible to do, it will most likely take a toll on me physically. I've already got a lot of things going on emotionally and psychologically, but to cripple my physical state would definitely be bad for this pregnancy. *sigh* Fear and paranoia are never a good combination.

So I'm trying to find ways to distract myself and think of happy thoughts. One thing that gave me some reassurance is the early monitoring I'll have at 32 weeks. I'm glad my OB is staying on top of things and is requiring me to have NSTs and BPPs every two weeks. And then starting at week 35, these will be done every week.

Now, if only I could find the same semblance of reassurance and peace in the coming days in-between. Oh and let me write this one more time: Damn you, Damocles' sword!