Movement or Lack Thereof

I've been obsessed by this little guy's movements. I felt his flutterings at around 14 weeks and felt gossamer kicks at 16. Then as the weeks went by I started strongly feeling them to the point that I have pinpointed some sort of schedule for his active movements. 

Usually, he's active very early morning - kicks, jabs, scrapes. I know because lately I haven't been sleeping very well. Or make that I haven't been sleeping AT ALL during the early hours of the morning. I don't know how or why, but I've suddenly developed an insomnia of some kind. Oh I don't have problems getting to sleep, I zonk out right away. But after a couple of hours, I would find myself with eyes wide open, having a hard time getting back to sleep.

So it is during this time that I noticed The Little Bug kicking away. When I go on my side, he'd move like crazy that it tickles me sometimes. One time, it felt like there were hundreds of little feet galloping inside my side. I had to roll on my back again, good thing I have a wedge pillow under me to keep my sciatica from hurting. 

Anyway, this has been a regular occurrence lately. What varies is the intensity of his movements. I noticed that when I eat a sweet snack a few minutes before going to bed, he'd be more active than usual as in intense kicking and finger-drawing inside my tummy. If I don't eat a lot, his kicks and jabs would be more subdued. He would just do flutterings here and there.

There were a few times that we'd played a game. When I feel him kick, I press my hand on the part of my belly where he kicked and he would kick back. And that made me smile every time even though I'll be cranky in the morning from lack of sleep. 

I told Dave about this and he got excited. Every so often I would inform him that The Little Bug is kicking and he would put his hand on my belly and wait. Sometimes he feels the kicks, sometimes he doesn't. But when he does, he'd play the game and gets a kick out of getting feedback from TLB.

So I have been feeling his movements quite early on in this pregnancy. And this surprises our CNM and OB because they were saying, "You won't get to feel him moving yet. Usually, you'll get consistency on weeks 24-28." I said: "But I'm feeling him move every so often now since week 14." It might be that this is my second pregnancy or that I actually have a thin layer of belly fat! (How I wish!)

Anyway, today at week 20 I didn't feel him move at all. Man, it was nerve-wracking. During my usual insomniac hours, I waited for him to kick and jab as he usually does but nothing happened. I thought to myself, that's funny I ate a snack and even had a ginger ale before bed, he should be active by now. But nothing, not even a small fluttering.

I was beginning to panic inwardly and caught myself thinking, "God, not again." Yup, I was already thinking of the worst case scenario - another dead baby. By this time, I just couldn't stay in bed. I didn't want to wake Dave up because I might just be scaring myself silly. I got up and unpack our Doppler. I went to my studio and used it there. 

I found TLB's heartbeat after a lot of prodding around. It was faint like he was moving out of reach of the Doppler's transducer. But I got a definite reading, which was 160 bpm. But hearing the heartbeat didn't give me any reassurance. He still didn't move. By this time, it was already light outside and Dave woke up to see what I was up to. I told him I haven't felt TLB move. He got worried since I was worried. He told me to call the 24-hour OB hotline and talk to our OB. 

I was reluctant to talk to the OB because a small part of me wanted to think that it was nothing at all. That I was just overreacting. But Dave strongly reminded me that if I feel worried and that if I feel that there is something wrong, I have got to do something right away by telling our CNM or OB without hesitation. I agreed. I have to trust my instinct this time around.

So at 6:30AM today I called the OB hotline and our OB got back to me quickly. I explained to her that I have not felt my baby move and that I'm worried there's something wrong. I told her that I've used the Doppler and there was a heartbeat (at 160bpm). She told me that babies at this gestational age have downtimes and will develop sleep cycles. TLB might just be sleeping or having a downtime. 

I also told her I've been consistently feeling him move at a certain time of the day and this was most unusual for me. She asked me if I get to feel several movements in one hour, I said not several in one hour but sometimes I feel him every now and then during the day and more during very early morning hours. 

She said these would not be consistent since it seems to be happening randomly and that is also normal. "It's too early to measure for movement consistency since your baby is still on its early stages of the second trimester. There will be times that you won't feel him move for a day even. So it's also normal." I wanted to tell her that nothing in pregnancy after loss is normal. Everything is extraordinarily 'abnormal' for a pregnant baby loss mother.

But I didn't say anything since I felt my worry easing a bit. She suggested that I eat something and lie on the bed and wait. "Cold orange juice really does the trick," she added. But she also offered to have me come in for an ultrasound if this was what I wanted. I thought for a moment and said no. 

Other baby loss mamas may have jumped at the chance to have that surefire peace of mind, but I felt this baby has undergone too many ultrasounds than I would like. Besides, we're going to have our Fetal Echocardiogram and another detailed ultrasound on Monday, December 19th. So I decided to skip it. I can wait and see if TLB would move throughout the day today.

So I went and eat a hearty breakfast and drank a lot of cold orange juice. Lo and behold, this little guy was back to moving around, kicking, jabbing, scraping. I could tell he didn't like cold stuffs in my tummy. I heaved a huge sigh of relief then. To think I was already contemplating on going to the hospital emergency room if my OB didn't get back to me quick enough. 

But I know that would be a whole different issue to contend with altogether. I would surely be an even more nervous-wreck and would probably have a major meltdown as I resigned myself to the fact that my baby had died again. And I just don't want to go there if I can't help it. So I'm thankful that TLB is back to his 'breakdancing' feats in my belly and really reassured me that: "See mommy, I'm still here!"